WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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