Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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