I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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