remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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