You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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