If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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