so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
