Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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