i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
