Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
