sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
