nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
