grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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