halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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