I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
