Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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