Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
