Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
