Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
