I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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