I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
