my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
