god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize