So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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