I wish they made helmets for livers.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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