Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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