So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
