I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
