There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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