"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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