Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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