Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
