This is not my ceiling
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
