i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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