Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
