508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
