My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just puked most of my soul out..
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
