This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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