talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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