How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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