The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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