I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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