the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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