Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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