I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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