i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
