we're chasing vodka with high fives
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize