The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
