so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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