Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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