I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you had me at cake vodka
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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