then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
