I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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