my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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