one word: firstdatebathroomanal
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
