I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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