ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
