What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
