Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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